Letting go. It’s perhaps the most
difficult challenge any of us face on our personal journeys. I’m convinced that
I embellish the anguish more than most, likely the consequence of too much
Young & the Restless during my formative years. I’d just as soon extract a
molar from my mouth sans the pain killers than extract an important person, or an
important “anything,” from my life.
Initially, I planned to write about
my work week’s challenges, skirting more personal tests that have been a
recurring theme in my life. And while I’d have plenty to scribble about from
last week’s newspaper madness, it wouldn’t be a candid account of my
cringe-worthy “coming to Jesus” sessions during the first month of my single-hearted
search for wisdom.
A few weeks ago, I spent my Saturday
morning sipping hot tea in a quaint, second-hand book store. After perusing the
shelves for an hour or so, I purchased a six-week study book entitled, “Knowing
God – Making God the Main Thing in My Life,” by Kimbery Dunnam Reisman. Still
struggling to incorporate stillness into my daily practice, I decided that this
book would be a great way to structure my early morning reflections. The $2
purchase proved itself a success, and within a matter of days I was actually
eager to awaken at 5 a.m.
Last Wednesday morning, I relaxed
in my meditation chair and thumbed through my devotional book until I reached
the day’s reading, entitled “Our Gigantic Secret.” The scripture that preceded
the devotion was both familiar and seemingly simple: “Always be full of joy in
the Lord. I say it again – rejoice!” (Philippians 4:4). Disappointed, I
discovered no earth shattering secret as I read one paragraph, and then the
next. That is, until I focused on paragraph eight, which began, “The biggest
enemy of joy in our lives is self-pity.” The gist of the paragraph – a
God-centered life leaves no room for “me-centered” self-pity.
The devotional reading ended with
an assignment – to list three things that I might do to increase my joy, and to
implement at least one of those three things during my day. The first two items
employed my love of the arts and were a bit flippant – to sing and dance to at
least one song each day. But the third item
on my list required a deep breath. With drudgery, I wrote: “to let go of relationships
that distract my pursuit of God.”
And with courage, that’s the practice
I chose to enact that day.
The people entangled in these counter-productive
relationships are certainly not bad people. But these all-consuming
relationships have distracted my focus on this year’s commitment – a commitment that
I take seriously despite the spinster and celibacy jokes I crack from time to
time.
Author Mandy Hale writes, “Some
relationships just don’t work out, no matter how badly both parties might want
them to. Sometimes time and distance and circumstance gets in the way. And
sometimes we have a purpose for our lives that can’t be fulfilled inside the
bounds of that relationship.”
With humility (and yes, anger), I’ve
faced the heartbreak that accompanies these relationships. I’ve exhausted ceaseless
energy on the disappointments of these relationships and the people who slipped
away as quickly as they entered my life. But never once, until recently, did I
consider that their departure was guided by God.
I firmly believe that, at this time
in my life, God has called me to be single. Perhaps there are life lessons that
necessitate solitude. My goal for the next 11 months is to give God all of the
energy I’ve given these failed, worldly relationships. Instead of seeking the
acceptance and approval of others, I’m focusing that energy on a love that will
never end in loss.
I’m letting go.
